In Conversation with a GENIE.

"Life suddenly changes " , I thought when someone gets pregnant but it doesn't seem to be true. I was the same happy immature bubbly person. My pregnancy never changed be a bit. It may have helped me become a little more patient and tolerant. But i still remain impulsive and spontaneous. The first time I saw my scan with a small foetus, oh my god! I just couldn't believe that a child like person like me is becoming a MOTHER. There was happiness to see my baby and also sadness that I am no longer the youngest in the family. There is someone finally to take my place. So my replacement is developing within me. What an irony!

No sooner did my mother got the news , I started getting instructions ( still getting the instructions even after 3 months of pregnancy). One of the instruction was to talk to the foetus and recite mythological stories. Just like abhimanyu (son of arjun and Krishna's sister) who went on listening to krishna who was teaching his sister how to get into "chakra vyuha" when abhimanyu was still in his mother's womb. I wanted to give a try and since that day i started talking to my foetus.

For a week I suffered from insomnia. I researched and found that insomnia was one of the pregnancy effects. I was angry ( sometimes because i was pregnant and sometimes because baby takes 9 months ). I wanted a ready made baby. I even had to suffer from morning sickness also. I was feeling very miserable . I had stopped talking to the foetus. But one night as i lay on the bed an idea struck to me , why not ask the person who caused my insomnia to cure it. I caressed my tummy as if caressing and cuddling my baby and requesting it to bring me sleep . Immediately I started to yawn . I was extremely happy. I was convinced that babies can hear their mothers. I started calling my young baby "GENIE" my "BABY GENIE".

Encounter with a Deadly Sea.

My childhood is a concoction of memories . I was about 7 - 8 years when with my family I went to visit my native place . It was our summer holidays ; a transition period between two terms in schools. Like all other summer holidays, that summer we went to visit my uncle and my cousins living in a small village on the border of Kerala and Karnataka. This place is a coast for Arabian Sea ( the sea which we only saw in our text book and atlas maps).

One day my dad , my brother and few other cousins and myself (the only girl in the male group) went out to the beach in the dusk. I do not know to swim , unlike my cousins , who would run towards water getting undressed and jump into the salty water and swim , I would just watch them swim holding onto dad's hand and wished that I could also swim like them like a fish. I was getting bored that day and so I decided to play a game.

My game was very simple , the rule was never to get my feet wet or washed by waves. So I would run away from the waves when the waves would hit the shore and run towards the sea when the waves retreated or died on the shore and wait for another wave to come . When the other wave came , I would again run away from the sea. I continued to play this for a while and then this accident occurred.

One of the wave held my foot and dragged me into the sea. I was completely drowned in the water . I closed my eyes and opened my mouth to scream but ended up drinking salt water. I had also drawn sea water into my lungs. As I coughed to expel the ingested water in my lungs , I would in turn draw more water in my lungs. I was panicking . I rose my hand crying for help but in vain. All my cousins were in the sea and my dad was busy talking to my brother. I was left alone to battle my situation .

To my luck , one of my cousin had just come to shore after his swim. He noticed my absence and started to look out for me and then he saw my little finger popping out of water . He did not realise it was me but he ran towards me to rescue . He held my little finger and pulled me out of the vicious sea . I was exhausted .My body was coated with a layer of sand . Taking deep breathe and coughing out all the salt water , I felt very relieved. I saw the dark side of the sea . My dad , my brother and cousins just walked off like nothing major had happened. I was quiet shocked at their reaction. I thought how heartless these men were who do not realise I had just escaped my death. As I walked along with the men back home , I turned my face to look at the deadly sea for the last time. I saw the sea grinning as if telling me " You will not get a second chance."

In memory of .....

It was a beautiful and a memorable evening , it was my wedding day's evening, this was when I met him . My husband introduced me to him " This is my cousin , Krishna." On the day of wedding I was introduced 100's of relatives and 1 more did not matter to me and hence, I did not pay much attention to him . Just acknowledged him with a Hi. We later spoke for a while and realized how funny , friendly and a dynamic person he was. I started liking him and wanted to befriend him.

After few days ,he took us around and to his house. I remember every nook and corner of his house. He owned a very sweet house. I went to the kitchen and picked up a biscuit packet to eat and soon after that he dropped us to our home. Another day he took us to an entertainment park , this day will always remain one of the special days of my life. We had lots of fun and a great time. At the end of the day he dropped us back to our home and left. I knew at that point that he should be my friend for life and since then he has been. After a week or two , I got my U.K visa and along with my husband , I left India . He came to the airport to say goodbye. That was the last time I ever saw him personally.

We were still in touch through email and online chat. We chatted daily . He would be in his company . He would put on his web camera and show me his batch , his cubicle , his hair cut ..... He would also forward his photos , his friends photos , his trip photos, his home photos to show how he decorated his home for his love. He shared all his secrets with me . I felt so special and a treasurer of his secrets. He had become such a integral part of my life. He had become my bestest friend . He discussed all his problems with me and I would give him solutions and suggestions. I loved talking to him and so my day would begin with his chats. I loved him as a friend so much that I would do anything for him and his friendship.

It was 7 august 2007 , I logged into my yahoo messenger but Krishna was offline. I then opened my email and saw a stranger's email in my inbox. I thought it was a spam but then thought of reading it because the subject was about Krishna. I opened the mail and couldn't believe my eyes . It read "With deep regrets, I wish to inform that My best friend Krishna prabhu passed away last evening- Monday, 6th of Aug 2007. I happened to c ur profile on KP's friends list, thought of informing you. "

My heart skipped a beat . I was trembling . My mind went blank and tears started rolling out of my eyes. My mind rushed back to all his memories and just days back when we had a chat . But I wanted to confirm the news and so I telephoned Krishna hoping he would attend my call but the phone was just ringing and ringing ..... I was still not convinced. I immediately telephoned my parents and wished that the email was some joke but the news was confirmed and I had lost one of my dear and a close friend. That was the most sad day for me. I just sat near my bed and wept till they were no tears in my eyes.

He had committed suicide. None of us know the true reason for his death , we assume it was because of his love failure. And today the August 14 is his birthday . I miss him a lot. I still leave him some messages in his social networking profile. I still feel he is with us . I can not and will not believe he is dead. As I type this post , tears are rolling down my cheeks. I know now the harsh experiences of a family after one of the member has committed suicide. I completely empathize with Krishna's family and all other family who have under gone this situation.

He is still alive in our memories , in our dreams , in our past , in our imaginations even after his death. He was my friend for life. I often feel I could have changed the situation if I were there In india or even if he had approached me with his problem. He took a cruel decision and left a scar in our life for ever. Maybe with time I may forget him(which in my life i presume would never happen) but then this post will always remind me of him . . Hats off to you and your love and care for everyone. I am very lucky to have known you and lucky to be a part of your life ( even for a short duration of 5 months). You made the most severe impact in my life.Today August 14th is a special and a sad day for me. This post is the memory of a lovely and a dynamic person named " Krishna" . He was truly a magnetic character.

Childhood memories

I often call up my parents , who reside in India , and during our conversations we happen to speak about my elder brother , Vikas (my only sibling). I love him , I am very possessive about him , I adore him, I follow him ................ he has been my guide , my teacher and a role model. There is a event I always recall when I speak about him or even remember him.

It was an evening when we were returning home from my Aunt's babysitting. I was about 7 years and he was 10 years old. We would go to our Aunt's place soon after the school as both our parents were employed and would return home in the evening when our parents would have reached home after their work. Our school bags would be too heavy and loaded that it would very difficult to carry . The bags would be so huge to accommodate all the books , that the kid carrying the bag would be buried under it and the scene would look like the bag have legs and is walking.

That evening we invented a game to amuse us and to help us reduce our load of bag. The game was also baptised at the same hour as it was invented , it was called " Free Game". That day it was the first and last time we played the game. The rules were , a distance would be set on the road using landmarks like a bougainvillea tree , an ice cream stall, a sugarcane juice seller , an apartment......... Between these landmarks , each of us would take alternative turns to carry all the luggage (school bags) , this would free the other person for a while and also the other one would carry the luggage free of cost ; hence the name "Free Game".

We had started playing this and we were half the distance to our home. It was Vikas's turn to carry the load . I was more than happy to load him . I was very happy that it was my turn to walk freely without my bag. But soon the turn ended and we had reached the landmark. It was my turn to carry . I was small and would be very difficult to carry two bags , but then it was the rule and I was to abide by it. I started carrying the load . There was an elderly man walking in the opposite direction. He looked at us and he was taken aback to see a younger sibling carrying all the bags and the older one happily walking . It looked to him that I was being bullied . He become furious and immediately he stopped us . He started shouting at Vikas and enlightening him as well . He told him " You being the oldest one , you are making the younger one carry all this. Do you have any senses ? Don't you have the basic knowledge ? How can you make this small girl carry all the luggage? Now come on take all the luggage and carry it . Don't trouble your sister again." He looked at me and indicated with his eye movements to give away all the bags to my brother. Me and my brother were completely stunned and shocked. We never thought that our game would lead to such horrific consequences. I was happy at the same time as my brother would have to carry both the bags home and the game would be in my favour . I giggled when Vikas started carrying the bags. No sooner the man disappered from sight , my brother started bullying me and handed my bag to me . We both fought on the road and returned home , but still the fighting wouldn't end. We complained to our parents about each other and let them decide and give the verdict "You are gulity" . I do not remember the verdict though but this event from the memory has been imprinted in my mind. I cant stop giggling whenever I remember this "Childhood memory".

FLove

"Its mid noon and I am already missing my husband" , I feel this everyday from the time he leaves the house till he returns back in the evening. Every morning he kisses my cheek before leaving to say "Goodbye". Lying on the bed lazily I turn my face to him , raise my arms and hold him and whisper " I love you . Come back soon after work." This words are not just a routine but the truth of my life.

I wake up and start my day with household work but still I miss him. The clock keeps ticking but the time never passes . In his absence , I still feel his presence around me and I talk to him although I realize he is not around till evening. I smell his shirts and hold the pillow tightly (on which he rests his head) against my chest .

In the evening , when he returns back home, I can't wait to touch him , embrace him tightly , kiss on his lips and say " I love you baby. I missed you sooooooooo much" . At night lying on the bed , I look at him playing with his new iPhone . I sense a strong feeling gush into my gut from my chest . Its not love , I know. Its a feeling beyond Love. Its a feeling when I want to hold his hand and crush it , when I want to bite flesh out of him , when I want to scratch his chest till it bleeds. Its not lust . I wonder what this feeling is? I call it FLOVE ; a feeling beyond love.