Pregnancy tantrums

I had my baby's 3D scan two days ago. It was booked last week and the appointment was supposed to be 20 mins , but then my baby (shy baby) had completely hidden his face towards the uterine wall making it impossible for the doctor to see his face . And so the doctor made me and hubby sit in the lounge for 20 mins and wait for the baby to move around , he also advised me to drink water so that the uterus would rise and atleast then the baby might move but all our efforts were in vain. Baby did move but he had covered his face completely with his legs crossed just before his face. The doctor told us that I was the 5th lady whom he was conducting the scan another time to see the baby's face and told us to make another appointment and even if the baby does not show up his face in the next appointment then the doctor told that they would refund the money.

After a weeks time we again went to the hospital for the unfinished scan. And in the meantime I had instructed the baby to move all round to get a nice video of the baby's movement (as we would also receive a video CD in the package price). I even requested him to show his face and make things easier in the next visit. This time in the hospital , we did see his face but he had again partially covered his face with his beautiful leg. I loved anything I saw inside my womb. He has very cute ankles (infact very sexy) :) When the doctor tried to move his leg my pushing and pressing my tummy , my kid started defending himself by crossing both his legs and both of his arms. I was made to sit again in the lounge and wait for 20 mins. The second time , i was made to walk around and jump in the scanning room to make the baby move around and the third time the doctor told me do anything to make the baby move.

Doctor was absolutely frustrated , he said he normally does not seen such stubborn baby who make a simple scan so complicated and time consuming. I did not know whether to be proud of my smart baby who is so unique or to be angry of his stubbornness. And after the third time , we were given a VCD compiling all the 20 mins of three scans that day and 29 best picture out of the video . During the scan i asked the doctor whether babies do open their eyes inside the womb, no sooner had i asked surprisingly my baby opened his eyes and doctor immediately captured this . I was extremely glad .

Since the scan I have been waking early in the morning to see my baby's scan pictures . I am unable to sleep after 5 am . Early in the morning in my sleep , i often feel that my baby needs me and I end up waking and cuddling his scan pictures. When I see his pictures , my emotions reach its zenith and I cry. I feel my baby is my achievement and i feel so much pride in seeing him. I love his legs , his arms , his bones , his heart beat and most of all I love his face. The first time I saw him in 3D he looked so much like my dad especially his big nose. I am so very happy and delighted to see my kid. I also feel quite depressed coz i still have to wait for 3 more months to see him , to hold him , and to cuddle him . I feel that he needs me , he wants me but I am helpless . Oh love , I know he does not need my pampering and all he needs his my patience and tolerance. Its becoming unbearable and mentally detrimental to me to wait for this kid. Whatever happens , I am regaining my patience and trying to became more calm and composed. I will wait for that little magician to show up and start his magic in my life . I am sure he will be a lovely little genie. I love you .

First pushchair for the first baby

As I am delivering my adorable son here in UK , the rule is that the newborn baby must have a car seat to travel back home from the hospital . Since we learnt this rule, me and hubby started researching and looking around for car seats and pushchairs . Oh my god , there are loads of companies who make these products and all of them are safe and good and also won few awards for their standard of protection. We were terribly confused . Finally on easter monday when there were many offers and package deals , we decided and ordered .

Yesterday afternoon the door bell rang and a delivery guy delivered our package of pushchair + carseat + footmuff + raincover + changing bag + free sunshade for the car. I waited till my husband opened it and no sooner had he assembled it , i started strolling around the pushchair from kitchen to sitting room to dinning room. I kept hugging the pushchair and stroking the cushioned seat in the pushchair for the baby. I even personified a pillow to our baby and placed it inside the pushchair and admired it . Each passing day is bringing me closer to my motherhood and making me frustrated about when I am going to see and hold my darling in my arms , kiss him on his cheeks and tell him how much i love him and how much i loathed to see him ( secretly sequeeze him also). I feel a strong bond of connection with his pushchair now. I feel i have been waiting for him since ages.

Killing Kickster

"What's that ?" I thought the first few times when my little genie started kicking me when I was about 20 weeks pregnant. The feeling was very unusual feeling like some gastric problem in the abdomen. The first few times I ignored it just thinking it was some gas movement but later I learnt that they were my baby's kicks. How unfortunate I was to miss my baby's first kick !

During my 20 weeks scan I was very excited to see my baby and also to know the sex of my baby. As I laid on the bed , my eyes were fixed to the screen . The technician applied some gel and started the scan. Oh my god the baby had grew so much since the last scan. I felt our baby was cramped in that tight little space within the uterus and was struggling to tear open the uterus. We could see the baby's movement which was constant kicking and punching. I was very happy to see that my baby was just like me restless and impatient. I thought " Oh love you are my photocopy". My husband also was present in the room and was sitting just beside my bed holding my hand. He was looking at the screen and looking at me alternatively to capture my expressions and my happiness. The technician started showing different views from different angles and simultaneously she was also measuring the organs sizes. When she showed the face , my genie immediately covered it with its limbs (my shy baby). Also my baby started covering its genitals hiding its sexuality. I was so surprised to see what all babies do inside the womb. With constant movements from the baby , the technician was finding it awkward to measure and to detect the sex of the baby. She finally said that it could be a baby boy but could not confirm it 100 %.

Soon after the scan , the following weeks , my kickster started his rigorous activity. Each week my baby boy has started kicking me more than the previous week. I can now feel the kicks very strongly. I can also sense my baby's turning his position. Every time he kicks I feel that some organ within me is going to pop out of me. Oh I just love this unusual feeling. My mum told me that this period of pregnancy is very special and pleasant when you can feel the baby's kicks. I often feel that my baby genie does not like me resting even for a short while. When I am working he is quiet within me but no sooner I rest on a couch , he starts waking me up , kicking me , punching me , probably even summersaulting ( or may be he is entertaining his tired mum) . Whatever the reason be , I wait for them, I adore them , I enjoy them and I LOVE them.

Summer reunion (extraordinary eight)

In our childhood , me and brother spent our summer vacations at our maternal grandma's place. She stayed in the same city as we did but we did not meet her often and visited her mostly during these holidays. My other 6 cousins would also come there to stay and spend their holidays. We gang of eight in a two bedroom first storey house was a great torment for granny. If one would run into kitchen to light a fire , other would play in the water tank in the bathroom , then other would run down the stairs and fall and the other 2 would fight for TV channels. Our summer vacations lasted for two months and these two months there would be complete chaos in that house whereas on the other side , our parents would finally get some relief from their 10 months of constant mischief and fights of their kids.

Everyday when grandma went out to buy groceries , she would lock us in the house and leave . And when she returned , the house would be in total mess. One would have my aunt's face cream and make up smudged all over her face . Other would be playing in plain flour and other would have messed up all the clothes from the cupboard to fetch a nice saree for playing. Grandma would come running looking for all the 8 of us and give us good thrashing . I now sympathsize with my grandma , how much pain she would have taken for those 2 months ! how could she have cooked when we 8 monkeys were let loose out of our cages! how much food did she have to cook to suffice our hunger during meals and snacking between our meals !

One evening we girl cousins decided to have a fashion show in the house and the boy cousins were to be our judge. We were 5 girls and 3 boys. The judges sat in one of the room holding a book and pen (which they used to draw and scribble during the event). We girls got dressed in the other room and cat walked to this room like we were on a ramp. The boys were hopeless judges , they did not give points and were very biased . They choose the winner (I can not recall who it was).

Another game we often played was "akri khwaish" ; meaning last wish . We had seen so many bollywood movies were the the father or mother or the heroine would die and while dying they would tell the hero their last wish and the hero would go to any extent to fulfil their wish. Similarly one of us (usualluy myself) would pretend to die and my brother would come running and hold me and ask me " what's your last wish sister?" I would say something impossible and win the game . The winner was the one whose wish would be something impossible or the one who would fulfil the impossible wish.

At night I would pray to god that movie channel on TV would play Akshay Kumar's movie. And my worship to god would be writing on a red oxide wall with a chalk " I want Akshay Kumar's movie". When they played some other movie without Akshay Kumar , I would be disappointed and tears would roll down my cheeks. In any case we could not have watched the full movie. By interval , we all would be fast asleep.

During one of these holidays , my fifth cousin practised boxing inside the house. He would hit the curtain hung between a bedroom and the sitting room and when it retreated he would hit it again. Our grandma warned him about the curtain pole breaking and dropping down , but he gave a deaf ear and went on hitting . As granny predicted , the curtain pole creaked and fell to the the ground. Granny rushed to the scene and saw my cousin standing without any injury , she had him thrashed properly . We 7 of us stood watching the entire scene and at the end of the act we were all giggling and smiling and thinking that he deserved those thrashes (if not for the curtain then for his behaviour towards us).

The fifth cousin was the cutest among all of us and for this reason he was very arrogant and stupid. He kept bullying other cousins (especially younger than him) . I was just few months younger than him and so we always competed between each other in every game and activity. One such day he was bullying one of the cousin. My patience was completely saturated with his behaviour and finally I gave into my anger that evening. I took hold of a stick ( long one) , held it like a trident with spear end down ( like the Goddess kali ) and chased him into the house and on the streets. I stopped chasing him after a while and warned him that if he were to return to the house , he would not be spared. My poor 5th cousin was so intimidated by my behaviour that he returned back to the house sweating , frightened like a mouse entering a tigress den.

After the end of 2 months of vacations , our mothers would come and pick us up. We would still be fighting instead of bidding goodbyes we threatened each other saying " I will look after you during the next vacation". When all of us returned , grandma would feel so lonely and empty that she would wish for the next vacation to come quickly. On our way back home each one would have loads of complaints of each other which we recited to our mother. My mother would threaten us that if we continued with this behaviour then she would not take us to grandma's place the next vacations. And so like always we promised her of our good behaviour and break it during our next vacations.

In Conversation with a GENIE.

"Life suddenly changes " , I thought when someone gets pregnant but it doesn't seem to be true. I was the same happy immature bubbly person. My pregnancy never changed be a bit. It may have helped me become a little more patient and tolerant. But i still remain impulsive and spontaneous. The first time I saw my scan with a small foetus, oh my god! I just couldn't believe that a child like person like me is becoming a MOTHER. There was happiness to see my baby and also sadness that I am no longer the youngest in the family. There is someone finally to take my place. So my replacement is developing within me. What an irony!

No sooner did my mother got the news , I started getting instructions ( still getting the instructions even after 3 months of pregnancy). One of the instruction was to talk to the foetus and recite mythological stories. Just like abhimanyu (son of arjun and Krishna's sister) who went on listening to krishna who was teaching his sister how to get into "chakra vyuha" when abhimanyu was still in his mother's womb. I wanted to give a try and since that day i started talking to my foetus.

For a week I suffered from insomnia. I researched and found that insomnia was one of the pregnancy effects. I was angry ( sometimes because i was pregnant and sometimes because baby takes 9 months ). I wanted a ready made baby. I even had to suffer from morning sickness also. I was feeling very miserable . I had stopped talking to the foetus. But one night as i lay on the bed an idea struck to me , why not ask the person who caused my insomnia to cure it. I caressed my tummy as if caressing and cuddling my baby and requesting it to bring me sleep . Immediately I started to yawn . I was extremely happy. I was convinced that babies can hear their mothers. I started calling my young baby "GENIE" my "BABY GENIE".

Encounter with a Deadly Sea.

My childhood is a concoction of memories . I was about 7 - 8 years when with my family I went to visit my native place . It was our summer holidays ; a transition period between two terms in schools. Like all other summer holidays, that summer we went to visit my uncle and my cousins living in a small village on the border of Kerala and Karnataka. This place is a coast for Arabian Sea ( the sea which we only saw in our text book and atlas maps).

One day my dad , my brother and few other cousins and myself (the only girl in the male group) went out to the beach in the dusk. I do not know to swim , unlike my cousins , who would run towards water getting undressed and jump into the salty water and swim , I would just watch them swim holding onto dad's hand and wished that I could also swim like them like a fish. I was getting bored that day and so I decided to play a game.

My game was very simple , the rule was never to get my feet wet or washed by waves. So I would run away from the waves when the waves would hit the shore and run towards the sea when the waves retreated or died on the shore and wait for another wave to come . When the other wave came , I would again run away from the sea. I continued to play this for a while and then this accident occurred.

One of the wave held my foot and dragged me into the sea. I was completely drowned in the water . I closed my eyes and opened my mouth to scream but ended up drinking salt water. I had also drawn sea water into my lungs. As I coughed to expel the ingested water in my lungs , I would in turn draw more water in my lungs. I was panicking . I rose my hand crying for help but in vain. All my cousins were in the sea and my dad was busy talking to my brother. I was left alone to battle my situation .

To my luck , one of my cousin had just come to shore after his swim. He noticed my absence and started to look out for me and then he saw my little finger popping out of water . He did not realise it was me but he ran towards me to rescue . He held my little finger and pulled me out of the vicious sea . I was exhausted .My body was coated with a layer of sand . Taking deep breathe and coughing out all the salt water , I felt very relieved. I saw the dark side of the sea . My dad , my brother and cousins just walked off like nothing major had happened. I was quiet shocked at their reaction. I thought how heartless these men were who do not realise I had just escaped my death. As I walked along with the men back home , I turned my face to look at the deadly sea for the last time. I saw the sea grinning as if telling me " You will not get a second chance."

In memory of .....

It was a beautiful and a memorable evening , it was my wedding day's evening, this was when I met him . My husband introduced me to him " This is my cousin , Krishna." On the day of wedding I was introduced 100's of relatives and 1 more did not matter to me and hence, I did not pay much attention to him . Just acknowledged him with a Hi. We later spoke for a while and realized how funny , friendly and a dynamic person he was. I started liking him and wanted to befriend him.

After few days ,he took us around and to his house. I remember every nook and corner of his house. He owned a very sweet house. I went to the kitchen and picked up a biscuit packet to eat and soon after that he dropped us to our home. Another day he took us to an entertainment park , this day will always remain one of the special days of my life. We had lots of fun and a great time. At the end of the day he dropped us back to our home and left. I knew at that point that he should be my friend for life and since then he has been. After a week or two , I got my U.K visa and along with my husband , I left India . He came to the airport to say goodbye. That was the last time I ever saw him personally.

We were still in touch through email and online chat. We chatted daily . He would be in his company . He would put on his web camera and show me his batch , his cubicle , his hair cut ..... He would also forward his photos , his friends photos , his trip photos, his home photos to show how he decorated his home for his love. He shared all his secrets with me . I felt so special and a treasurer of his secrets. He had become such a integral part of my life. He had become my bestest friend . He discussed all his problems with me and I would give him solutions and suggestions. I loved talking to him and so my day would begin with his chats. I loved him as a friend so much that I would do anything for him and his friendship.

It was 7 august 2007 , I logged into my yahoo messenger but Krishna was offline. I then opened my email and saw a stranger's email in my inbox. I thought it was a spam but then thought of reading it because the subject was about Krishna. I opened the mail and couldn't believe my eyes . It read "With deep regrets, I wish to inform that My best friend Krishna prabhu passed away last evening- Monday, 6th of Aug 2007. I happened to c ur profile on KP's friends list, thought of informing you. "

My heart skipped a beat . I was trembling . My mind went blank and tears started rolling out of my eyes. My mind rushed back to all his memories and just days back when we had a chat . But I wanted to confirm the news and so I telephoned Krishna hoping he would attend my call but the phone was just ringing and ringing ..... I was still not convinced. I immediately telephoned my parents and wished that the email was some joke but the news was confirmed and I had lost one of my dear and a close friend. That was the most sad day for me. I just sat near my bed and wept till they were no tears in my eyes.

He had committed suicide. None of us know the true reason for his death , we assume it was because of his love failure. And today the August 14 is his birthday . I miss him a lot. I still leave him some messages in his social networking profile. I still feel he is with us . I can not and will not believe he is dead. As I type this post , tears are rolling down my cheeks. I know now the harsh experiences of a family after one of the member has committed suicide. I completely empathize with Krishna's family and all other family who have under gone this situation.

He is still alive in our memories , in our dreams , in our past , in our imaginations even after his death. He was my friend for life. I often feel I could have changed the situation if I were there In india or even if he had approached me with his problem. He took a cruel decision and left a scar in our life for ever. Maybe with time I may forget him(which in my life i presume would never happen) but then this post will always remind me of him . . Hats off to you and your love and care for everyone. I am very lucky to have known you and lucky to be a part of your life ( even for a short duration of 5 months). You made the most severe impact in my life.Today August 14th is a special and a sad day for me. This post is the memory of a lovely and a dynamic person named " Krishna" . He was truly a magnetic character.